September 3, 2010

• Remembering the pit & bog so I might rejoice in Him & you might also! (Psalm 40:1-3)

  Remembering the pit & bog so I might rejoice in Him & you might also! (Psalm 40:1-3) | Letter 74 on assurance and fighting for joy

  Yesterday afternoon I pulsed the following:

  The LORD heard my cry & drew me out. The pit was deeper than I'd remembered. The praises today are even greater! Psalm 40:1-3.

  I'd like to give you a glimpse into what was behind that.

  At the time I'd been looking around for something I'd written a few years ago and came across the following. As I read it I was once again reminded of how low I was at that point in my life.

  (As background, this was written in December 2007, about three months after we'd left our last church. I'd not written it with the intent of posting it publicly but I wanted to do so today because I would like you to see the depths of despair and the darkness I was experiencing at the time and to give you hope in your current struggle. For the sake of privacy, I've edited/adapted a bit, but I've tried not to alter or exaggerate the truth of how I was feeling at the time.)

  Jesus!
  
  People around me are talking. They're probably right about a lot of it. I can't really listen to it since I only began to despair more because it shows me HOW SCREWED UP I REALLY AM! I know they are trying to be helpful here and they want what is best for me, but at this point much of it is having the opposite effect. I feel like I am being kicked while still down on the mat. For them to tell me that Christ is my hope, that Christ has won the victory: I do know that. IN MY HEAD. I know You are my hope. I know You have won the victory. But my experience is lagging behind. I know these things but cannot find the power to appropriate them to my life. I can't just wave a magic wand and have Your Spirit come and "make it so." Yes, I know they love me and want what is best for me and it grieves them to see me fall deeper into depression, but when I hear someone say "suck it up," to me that is cruel. I've tried and tried. I CANNOT DO IT! I KNOW Christ will empower me to live this life, but right now I don't often see the power working in me. I KEEP FAILING. AND FAILING. HELD IN BONDAGE to sin and self. Sometimes seeming to have NO END in sight. Darkness. Heaviness. I am trusting by faith. I hold on to You and Your promises – for that's all I have now. NOTHING ELSE. NOTHING ELSE. NOTHING ELSE.

  I am questioning everything now, and at times nothing makes sense to me. I can't be a woman, a wife, a mother, anything. I am crumbling apart like Humpty Dumpty. I've fallen off the wall and not only that but I feel I am being stepped on and crushed and shattered and then the pieces strewn about. I know You are there with me You will put the pieces back together in Your way but I don't see it yet. You keep showing me how much more sinful I am than I ever thought I was and I continue to marvel at Your Father's grace to me through You.

  I am what Jeremiah calls a "perpetual backslider" but You continue to intercede at the Father's right hand and will save me to the uttermost. That is all I can hope for.
   
  I hold onto verses like these. That You will perfect what concerns me (Philippians 1:6). That I am kept by Your power (I Peter 1:3-5). Come unto You (Matthew 11:28-30). Your Spirit brings them to mind. Otherwise sometimes I feel there is no hope. There is hope but it is often very faint like a light in the distance. The faith is in the form of a tiny mustard seed.

  You keep telling me You will use my weakness, but all I can do is trust is that You will not break the bruised reed and You will send a way of escape through this all.

   I know I am the biggest hypocrite I know. That is yet an even deeper and insidious part of my sin and probably what grieves me the most. I know and say all the right things, but am often no different than the Pharisees.
  
  As I have read of the experiences of some Christians in the past, I see myself in them. Years of struggle with their sin. I didn't make this up or look for this. It's there. We hear of their great victories and accomplishments but we don't see the years they struggled before that (and often through their whole lives). All I know is that earlier this summer I realized that I should begin praying for more of the Holy Spirit (I also felt this a year ago late summer, but more on a theoretical level then and had not really done so with any regularity). You have been coming in to show me all in me that is not of You. You want to burn anything that is not of You. Bringing me face to face with my sin. Just when I think there can't be anything else, there is more (e.g.-my reaction to people, where I snap out at them for no reason, and my impatience with You about our not having found a place to worship and not trusting You to be with me). So as You bring me lower, I pray more for Your Spirit, since I know I have no choice. I'm sure I wouldn't be praying as fervently as I have been if You weren't bringing this all upon me. I want to ask You to stop but know I can't do that. But there are times when I feel I cannot bear it anymore. I have told You that I cannot continue to live if You do not give me more of Your Spirit. I don't know if that is a Godly prayer or not but it is a prayer reflecting my desperate state. I see how helpless I am without Your power. And You remind me that Your grace is sufficient and You will give me all I need.
  
  (About the "What *I* Want" series, I think You will see a progression in the focus of the posts. I need to keep asking You to purify my desires about the church search (and all things).)
  
  I am still grieving having left there, more than I thought I was. And I am grieving the state of the church in Madison in general. I am grieving other past actions and decisions . . .  and there are times I hear the enemy saying about other past decisions, "What if you were back in Egypt? It was better there, wasn't it?" Only a few days ago that has popped into my head again which means I've not really dealt with it.
  
  Of course, these griefs are all self-focused and mostly rooted in my own sin and my own sinful expectations and not getting my own way or not being in control. These things continue to harass and taunt me from within my own head.
  
  Please be patient with me . . .  and send for Your Holy Spirit to baptize me in a new and fresh way. I know I cannot live my life apart from Your strength and power, and by Your grace alone can I continue to seek to rejoice in You even though I do not yet see the fruit:
  
  

  Habakkuk 3:17 Although the fig tree shall not blossom, neither shall fruit be in the vines; the labour of the olive shall fail, and the fields shall yield no meat; the flock shall be cut off from the fold, and there shall be no herd in the stalls: 18 Yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will joy in the God of my salvation. 19 The LORD God is my strength, and he will make my feet like hinds' feet, and he will make me to walk upon mine high places.

   

  * * *

  As I read through that yesterday and reflected on that period of time in my life, I was overwhelmed.

  Overwhelmed by God's love, mercy and grace poured out on me through Christ. Hence my pulse:

  The LORD heard my cry & drew me out. The pit was deeper than I'd remembered. The praises today are even greater! Psalm 40:1-3.

  I expanded on that and posted the following to my facebook status:

  Psalm 40:1 I waited patiently for the LORD; he inclined to me & heard my cry. 2 He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog & set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure. 3 He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many will see & fear & put their trust in the LORD.

  I'd forgotten the depth of the pit & the filth of the bog! My praise to Jesus Christ is even greater today!

  I don't take my salvation for granted, and I don't take God's gifts of assurance and joy for granted, but this was a humbling reminder of the place from which God lifted me almost three years ago.

  Who am I, O Lord GOD, and what is my house, that you have brought me thus far?

  Indeed God did incline to me and did hear my cry. Yet I didn't find relief immediately, but I know He did hear immediately (Isaiah 65:24). He heard the cries I couldn't even cry on the days I was in such despair when His Spirit was groaning for me when I couldn't.

  I also want to tell you that after that period of time not only did I not find immediate relief, but also the pit got even deeper and the bog got even more miry.

  In some ways I have to confess I'd almost forgotten the depth and filth that had consumed me.

  When the LORD restored the fortunes of Zion, we were like those who dream (~ Psalm 126).
  

  I don't ever want to forget the depth and the mire! God forgive me when I forget!

  When I forget, I forget the greatness of God's mercies toward me and don't give Him the glory due His Name.

  When I forget, I can't relate so intimately with those of you who are in the pit and the bog today.

  Perhaps you've only begun reading my blog recently. Or perhaps you may have been reading for a while but have forgotten what was going on then. (I'll I also admit I didn't get this graphic very often about my struggle at the time.)

  For the most part I think most of you may see and characterize me today as a joyful, vibrant, free Christian, and I'd say that's a fairly accurate assessment at this point in time, but I wanted you to get a little background and some of the road I traveled and the grace of God I received so I might be where I am today so you might have hope for your own journey. (No, I'm not saying I walk in joy 100% of the time, and I will say I think I may have just begun to arrive as a babe at that point in grace which Spurgeon explained is as much above the ordinary Christian as the ordinary Christian is above the worldling. I say that with very great humility because I know it is all of grace and is all God's gift.)

  If you are Christ's (or you do come to Christ), you also have access to the very same love, mercy and grace I have received because You have access to the very same God. You have access to the same assurance and joy I received because it's rooted wholly in Him and not in us, it is not dependent on our circumstances or our feelings.

  Many of you have watched me write a seemingly endless stream of posts about the assurance and joy that is available to the Christian (I've written over 70 of them now). I know many of you don't think that such assurance and joy is available to you; I say that because I know I felt that way. I don't ever want any of you to fall for the lies of the devil. The liar and father of lies wants to keep us miserable. He wants to steal, kill and destroy any hope we have of freedom and joy and peace and assurance in the Lord. I want you to know your feelings don't determine what is possible for you. I want you to know that your past, your sins and your past hurts and your sinfulness doesn't limit in any way the grace of God toward you. I long for you to know that assurance and joy are gifts God wants to give His children – all His children.

  Don't ever think of yourself as being the black sheep, that in some way you've somehow disqualified yourself or you're not worthy of these gifts of God.

  We need to be clear about this: We've all disqualified ourselves and we are all unworthy. We deserve nothing from God. Plus we can't earn a thing from Him.

  Yes, we're all disqualified, but here's the good news: as we believe on the Lord Jesus Christ we can know without a doubt that God Himself has qualified us and proclaimed us worthy through the blood of the Lamb. He has done what we could not do! That's what salvation by grace through faith is all about! None of us! All of Him! It's His free sovereign gift to us.

  Our heavenly Father is the One who sent His Son to die for us while we were weak and powerless and helpless sinners. He was seeking us when we were unable to seek Him.

  God wants us to have full assurance of that great salvation He wrought in Christ!

  Assurance of His love. Assurance of forgiveness. Assurance of cleansing. Assurance of a clear conscience. Assurance of access to His throne. Assurance of our sanctification.

  Freedom from doubt. Freedom from fear. Freedom from condemnation. Freedom from despair. Freedom from guilt. Freedom from worry. Freedom from whining. Freedom from discontentment.

  In summary, God wants us to enjoy Him and His gifts to us.

  As we grow in our knowledge of Him (I'm talking about both head and heart knowledge that result in an intimate knowledge of Him – not just knowing about Him), we cannot help but grow in assurance and freedom, and consequently we will grow in our joy in Him.

  The world we live in is filled with uncertainty and joylessness due to the fall. The world is missing real assurance and true and lasting joy, but apart from the grace of God, they can't even seek those things because the unregenerate mind is opposed to God. The world is going to keep seeking in vain because apart from the grace of God, apart from the Father drawing them, the world can never seek joy in and through Jesus Christ: the only place true joy can be found. Yes, they know there's something missing, and they keep seeking and looking, but it's all in vain.

  That's something of what David wrote in Psalm 4:

  There are many who say, “Who will show us some good?
   

  That good the world is missing can be found only in Jesus Christ.

  And here's the thing: we as Christians are supposed to be showing that joy to the joyless world (or, as I wrote the other day, we're to be showing Christ's loveliness to the unlovely world). That's another reason we're to keep coming to God and asking Him for His assurance and the joy He alone can give. So now look at David's request:

  Lift up the light of your face upon us, O LORD!”

  You have put more joy in my heart
  than they have when their grain and wine abound.

  In peace I will both lie down and sleep;
  for you alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety.

  Light, joy and peace. Are those your requests? These are gifts God wants to give us – not merely for our own joy, but also for the joy of the whole world and for His joy.

  If God wants us to have these gifts, can't we believe He won't give them to us? Does not our heavenly Father want to give us good gifts?

  As believers in Christ, we have the privilege to enjoy God, to be at peace and to enjoy life through Him, to be filled with the full assurance of His unconditional and eternal love for us in Jesus Christ no matter what life may throw at us. How sad we continue to be deceived. How sad we seek joy in any and all things but God. How sad we do not pursue God like the importunate widow keep asking Him to lift up the light of his face upon us and to put joy and peace in our hearts so we might walk in assurance and hope and joy in a dark and uncertain and hopeless and miserable world.

   

  About the Holy Spirit...

  I want to add something here, in case you missed it in the excerpt I included above:

  That dark experience I went through happened after I'd begun to pray for more of the Holy Spirit.

  God will do that to you. That's the work of the Holy Spirit. He will show you your sin. He will take you to the depths. As we seek to know God, we will begin to see His holiness and our sinfulness in comparison and cry out like Isaiah, "Woe is me. I am undone!"

  But then the devil will play havoc with that. I know some of you are now in the midst of that today. So I encourage those of you who are hungering and thirsting for more of Christ and His righteousness not to despair but to continue to seek the Lord and trust in Him even as you begin to know the breadth and length and height and depth of your sin and your sinfulness . . . because there will come a time when you will begin to know the breadth and length and height and depth of God's love for you in Christ that surpasses understanding. There will. You may not feel it today. It may seem impossible. But remember He can do exceedingly above all we can ask or imagine. I am praying God will give you sufficient grace to trust Him while you are still in that dark pit and miry bog today and for the days to come, to trust that He is working an exceeding weight of glory out of all that. Yes, some of that glory you won't see until the other side, beyond the grave (or at His coming, whichever is first), but some of it you WILL see in this life. You will!

   

  My deepest desires for you

  God wants to grant us grace upon grace. Ask Him to see His face and His glory and to know His grace in increasing measure (Exodus 33, John 1, II Cor. 3). Ask to know Him and know His love (John 17, Philippians 3, Ephesians 3). Ask Him to multiply His grace and peace to you (I & II Peter). These are part of our birthright as children of God. Don't settle for asking for fleeting earthly blessings. And don't let the world's sense of what you might need, the images and ads on your computer screen or your own fleshly lusts determine what you pray for or confuse you as to what you really need for your soul to thrive. Look back at the prayers of the saints in the Scripture and look at Christian biography. God has so much more for us, abounding heavenly treasures out of the riches of Christ that He wants to experience in the here and now so we might walk in bold assurance and fullness of joy no matter how we feel, no matter the circumstances!

  O, how poor we are because we don't know we are poor. How poor we are because we don't see our need and then we don't ask for what we really need: More of Him! O, may He show us His glory so we might look full in His wonderful face! Then we can truly sing the song of the Redeemed at all times and in all circumstances and shine as lights in the darkness and take loveliness to the unloveliness!

  I will tell you that much of that time in the pit and the bog was not pleasant but it was working an eternal weight of glory and bearing fruits of righteousness in my soul. God was sovereign every minute in that pit and every ounce of clay in the bog. I came out of that knowing Him more intimately. I can say without a doubt that He was working it all for my good and for His glory and for the furtherance of the Gospel because it is to His glory and for my good that I know Him as my exceeding joy and then want to share His Gospel with others more than I did before that time.

  Along with the apostle Paul, I want you to have joy and peace in believing and that you may abound in hope through the power of the Holy Spirit (Romans 15:13). So I've shared some of God's work in my life in the hope that those of you who have just about lost hope, who have no peace or joy will be strengthened by His might to continue to walk by faith and follow hard after God even while you are in the pit and the bog. God is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him. Remember that true joy and peace are gifts that are available to you only through the Holy Spirit, and nowhere else. No created thing can provide what only the Creator can provide. Will you seek after Him and ask Him to reveal more of Himself to you in His way and His time? If there is any way I can support you in that pursuit, please let me know.

  ~ Karen

   

  ---

  I'm not going to recount the rest of the story here (and it's still ongoing), but you can read some more about my continuing struggle and experience in receiving joy in these posts. (I also encourage you to comment here and/or message me as well.)

  Naphtali News: To Everything There Is a Season, or
  Bible Reading-Isaiah: When We Think the LORD Has Forsaken and Forgotten Us
  Naphtali's Sunday Afternoon Lament: "Still Apart" and my other posts tagged Church Wandering

  Links to my series Kingdom-Obsessed People don't keep looking back in the rear view mirror
  including:

  • Kingdom-Obsessed People don't keep looking in the rear view mirror, #2 Looking back at the Good
  • Kingdom-Obsessed People don't keep looking in the rear view mirror, #3  Looking back at the Good
  • Kingdom-Obsessed People don't keep looking in the rear view mirror at ... "unfinished" work, # 4
  • Kingdom-Obsessed People don't keep looking back at past hurts, # 5

  Links to my series "Dealing with Past Sins & Guilt"
  

  the laborer's lamentation and affirmation
  Letter 18 on assurance and fighting for joy (my testimony of joy)
  letter 42 on assurance & fighting for joy: "Blessed Assurance" - You are a child of God!
  my new song: "My soul is clean"

  posts on our need of the Holy Spirit

• my "Conversations with God about failure" including
• Naphtali News: God speaking to me about my failures & the one thing needful
• God speaking to me about my failures: I can sing in my barrenness when I consider Jesus
• Why not pray for the baptism of the Holy Spirit
• How much more will our heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to them who ask
• trusting the eagles' wings (reliance on the Holy Spirit)
• transparency in blogging & the struggle for sanctification
• "give me also springs of water" - Will you be an Achsah? (letter 66 on assurance & fighting for joy)
• If you knew the gift of God... (John 4:1-15)