(Letter 163 in my series of posts on assurance and fighting for joy...)

Yesterday @TheXangaTeam announced they're going to a paid blogging platform, and that there is a possibility that Xanga may be shutting down for good after July 15 (link).
 
Many thoughts went through my head, the primary one being that I really wanted to have a publicly saved record of what I'd written here in case Xanga does end up shutting its doors for good. I do have all the archives of my blogs downloaded onto my laptop, so that's not really the issue. I started blogging at this site in 2007, and since then I added a couple more blogs...

• this site (http://napthali_deer.xanga.com), opened 2/12/2007, with 1344 public posts.
• tent of meeting (http://tent_of_meeting.xanga.com), opened 3/28/2009, with 204 public posts.
• deerlife (http://deerlife.xanga.com), opened 3/14/2010, with 70 public posts.

If you do the math, that's 1618 public posts, not including this one. Now, granted, as I reread a lot of my first posts here, I squirm, as I had been barely on the edge of and just beginning to dip my toes into the vast and glorious ocean of the doctrines of grace (a.k.a. Calvinism) –– but now I've taken the full plunge! But I have decided to keep all my posts as I had first written them, as they are for a record of the journey God has had me on.

In light of the Xanga announcement yesterday, I could see I was beginning to react out of my flesh, rather than respond in God's Spirit, and I knew I wasn't in a very good place at all –– far from it! I was becoming fearful, worried, upset, and anxious. I was quickly sliding down into that noxious place of grumbling, murmuring, and whining –- headed full-steam down a path very far away from exhibiting the fruit of the Spirit!

I went for a walk yesterday afternoon and tried to listen to some sermons to numb and distract myself, to escape and avoid the circumstance that was looming in front of me –– and in a vain and futile attempt to avoid looking at my own deceitful and desperately wicked heart.

As I was walking, I was chewing on the sovereignty of God in permitting this to happen: for God to lead me here to Xanga and then to lead me to the possibility that all I've written here could be snuffed out very soon...

Then, in His merciful kindness, the Hound of Heaven came down that path pursuing me (Psalm 23:6) and began to shake me and bring me back to my senses with these verses from Colossians 1:

15  He [the Lord Jesus Christ] is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation. 16  For by him all things were created, in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities—all things were created through him and for him. 17  And he is before all things, and in him all things hold together. 18  And he is the head of the body, the church. He is the beginning, the firstborn from the dead, that in everything he might be preeminent. (ESV)

15 He [the Lord Jesus Christ] is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation.16 For by Him all things were created that are in heaven and that are on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or principalities or powers. All things were created through Him and for Him. 17 And He is before all things, and in Him all things consist. 18 And He is the head of the body, the church, who is the beginning, the firstborn from the dead, that in all things He may have the preeminence.

God created Xanga. Xanga was created through Him and for Him. And He was and is before all things, including Xanga, and in Him Xanga has held together together. Why?

No matter what's happening here in this little corner of the world known as Xanga, the Lord Jesus Christ will have the preeminence. Xanga or no Xanga –– in spite of all appearances –– the Lord Jesus Christ IS going to get the preeminence! (God's sovereignty continues to be my sanity!)

In Isaiah 63:7-14, there's a recounting of God's deliverance of Israel from Egypt, and we read of God's purposes there:

God's thoughts and God's ways are higher than ours.... inscrutable and unsearchable and unfathomable! Whenever we ... whenever I whine and complain, I am attempting to be His counselor! God, be merciful to me, a sinner!

Romans 11:33 Oh, the depth of the riches both of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are His judgments and His ways past finding out!

34 “For who has known the mind of the Lord?
Or who has become His counselor?”
35 “Or who has first given to Him
And it shall be repaid to him?”
36 For of Him and through Him and to Him are all things, to whom be glory forever. Amen.

God's desire is that His name might be displayed and made everlasting and glorious, that He alone might receive glory forever and ever –– or, as the apostle Paul writes in Colossians 1, that the Lord Jesus Christ might be preeminent.

All things (Xanga's continuing OR closing) are heading toward this one great and glorious and wonderful end (in truth, it's just a beginning!):

Philippians 2:9 Therefore God also has highly exalted Him and given Him the name which is above every name, 10 that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, of those in heaven, and of those on earth, and of those under the earth, 11 and that every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.

Revelation 5:8 Now when He had taken the scroll, the four living creatures and the twenty-four elders fell down before the Lamb, each having a harp, and golden bowls full of incense, which are the prayers of the saints. 9 And they sang a new song, saying:

“You are worthy to take the scroll,
And to open its seals;
For You were slain,
And have redeemed us to God by Your blood
Out of every tribe and tongue and people and nation,
10 And have made us kings and priests to our God;
And we shall reign on the earth.”

11 Then I looked, and I heard the voice of many angels around the throne, the living creatures, and the elders; and the number of them was ten thousand times ten thousand, and thousands of thousands, 12 saying with a loud voice:

“Worthy is the Lamb who was slain
To receive power and riches and wisdom,
And strength and honor and glory and blessing!”

13 And every creature which is in heaven and on the earth and under the earth and such as are in the sea, and all that are in them, I heard saying:

“Blessing and honor and glory and power
Be to Him who sits on the throne,
And to the Lamb, forever and ever!”

14 Then the four living creatures said, “Amen!” And the twenty-four elders fell down and worshiped Him who lives forever and ever.

And everything (Xanga's continuance or Xanga's closing) has been foreordained with that end in mind!

In the meantime, as a believer in the Lord Jesus Christ, I am to walk worthy of God's calling... no matter what happens ... whether there will be any Xanga after July 15 or not...

And then I was brought back to these earlier verses in Colossians 1, and I was chastened, for I could see how desperately short I was falling:

9 For this reason we also, since the day we heard it, do not cease to pray for you, and to ask that you may be filled with the knowledge of His will in all wisdom and spiritual understanding; 10 that you may walk worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing Him, being fruitful in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God; 11 strengthened with all might, according to His glorious power, for all patience and longsuffering with joy...

I WASN'T walking with joy, and I hated that, and I despised myself for that... particularly because of how much I have tasted and seen God's goodness –– how much God has shown Himself to me and has continued to impress His mercy, love, grace and care upon me in so many wonderful ways, pouring out grace upon grace upon grace; and particularly as I've exhorted others that the joy of the Lord is available to all believers (Psalm 86:4), and even how I had just spoken of those verses in Colossians 1 to a friend the night before! ... I was humbled as I saw how very weak I still am, and how faulty and ill-formed my foundation of faith in Jesus Christ still is, and how wholly reliant I must always be on His strengthening and glorious power, and how constant in prayer I must be for His strengthening and glorious power, so I might rejoice in the Lord always, to shine as a light in this dark world, to the praise of His glorious grace!

Unlike the pilgrims scattered abroad, to whom Peter was writing, in my current trial, I was NOT rejoicing with joy inexpressible and full of glory (I Peter 1:3-9). But thanks be to God for His manifold mercies and His kindness in Jesus Christ –– He continues to stretch His hands out to a disobedient and contrary child such as myself, and leads me to repentance through His Holy Spirit through His Holy Word –– which at that point was continuing to pierce and discern and cut deeper and deeper and deeper ... (Job 5:17 Behold, happy is the man whom God corrects; Therefore do not despise the chastening of the Almighty. 18 For He bruises, but He binds up; He wounds, but His hands make whole.)

Hebrews 4:11 Let us therefore be diligent to enter that rest, lest anyone fall according to the same example of disobedience. 12 For the word of God is living and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the division of soul and spirit, and of joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart. 13 And there is no creature hidden from His sight, but all things are naked and open to the eyes of Him to whom we must give account.

After having been reminded of God's sovereignty over all things for the preeminence of the Lord Jesus Christ, and my lack of joy due to my not resting in Christ as I ought –– on top of all that, the story of the fire that burned up years of William Carey's (1761-1834) work was brought to mind. I was already familiar with this event, but I recently heard about it again in John Piper's sermon "The Lord Stood By Me . . . That All the Nations Might Hear,"  which I'd listened to a couple weeks ago:

William Carey, the father of modern missions left for India from England in 1793 and never came home. He labored 40 years without a furlough. He lost two of his three wives in death. When he had a fever they attached 110 leeches to his thigh. And on March 11, 1812—after almost 20 years of work—a fire broke out and destroyed years of irreplaceable work. The draft of the great polyglot dictionary. The Sikh and Telugu grammars. Ten version [sic] of Bible that had been going through the press. The translation of the Ramayana which he and his partners had been working on for six years.

Carey was out of town in Calcutta. When Marshman told him tears filled his eyes, and later he said,

In one short evening the labours of years are consumed. How unsearchable are the ways of God! I had lately brought some things to the utmost of perfection of which they seemed capable, and contemplated the missionary establishment with perhaps too much self-congratulation. The Lord has laid me low, that I may look more simply to him (Mary Drewry, William Carey: A Biography, p. 154).

Source: http://www.desiringgod.org/resource-library/sermons/the-lord-stood-by-me-that-all-the-nations-might-hear / By John Piper. ©2013 Desiring God Foundation. Website: desiringGod.org

When I thought of my blogging in comparison to twenty years of Carey's (and the other missionaries') work in frontier missions, there's really no comparison at all! When I thought of the fact that I have full archives of all my blogs sitting safely in the memory of my laptop (as well as in the time machine backup), there's no comparison at all! And with that, I could see how weak and despicable and unprepared for any true suffering I really was.... And, I could also see how I am too prone to much self-congratulation, and how quickly I can forget that anything I write here of any worth, i.e. - anything that will withstand the fire of God's judgment – is all of Him, and it is all to His praise, honor, and glory alone ~ e.g. - Psalm 115:1; Isaiah 26:12; I Cor. 3:7; John 15:1-8.

At that point, as I considered the fire that consumed years and years of Carey's work, more Scripture (this time from Hebrews 10), was brought to mind to show me once more how I was not resting in Christ as I should have been. This commendation of the Jewish Christians was in such marked contrast to my own state:

I was NOT joyfully accepting the potential plundering of my goods (of my blog writings). I had been too easily been tossed about for I had lost sight of the better and enduring possession -- a knowledge of God Himself through the Lord Jesus Christ!

Holy God, forgive me for hardening my heart and not entering into Your rest. Thank You that Your goodness and mercy pursued me even to the pig sty of my own making, and Your kindness brought me back to my senses and to repentance! Grant me an increased sight and taste of Your glorious and all-surpassing riches. Strengthen me by Your Word and Your Holy Spirit, so that no matter my circumstances (Xanga or no Xanga), I might pray without ceasing and be diligent to enter Your rest, to walk with patience and longsuffering with joyfulness, that I might joyfully accept the plundering of my goods as I more fully and firmly embrace and enjoy You alone as the better and enduring possession, and find everlasting rest, durable peace, strong consolation, unspeakable joy, and unsearchable riches, and an incorruptible inheritance in You alone, even as I walk as a pilgrim here in this uncertain, turbulent, and stormy world. Hallelujah! What a Savior! Gracious God, thank you for laying me low like William Carey, that I may look more simply to You!

Scripture quotations marked ESV are taken from The Holy Bible, English Standard Version. Copyright ©2001 by Crossway Bibles, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

. . .

   How delightful to contemplate the honors which encircle the Lamb in the midst of his Father's throne! After being here so long marred with grief and shame, how sweet to know that he has found a throne! After wandering an exile from heaven for more than thirty years for our revolt, and to seek through this wilderness that which was lost, we joy that he has found a home. After being so long unknown and neglected, we rejoice that he has found those who can honor his worth. After all the mockery of the judgment hall and the pretorium, we exult to hear the shout of all heaven in his praise. After the crown of thorns, we are enraptured to see him wear the diadem of the universe. After being cast out upon the wide world, not having where to lay his head, we triumph that a palace has received him. After depending for bread on the charity of his female followers, we are transported to see him the heir of all things and able in his turn to impart to others. After being so long a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief,—after all the agonies of the garden and the cross,—we sing and shout for joy that he has found repose,—that he has found infinite and eternal delight in the glory of his Father and the salvation of his Church. Let him have his happiness and his honors. Amidst all the sufferings of life, it shall be our solace that the man of sorrows is happy,—that the despised Nazarene is honored at last. Of all the luxuries that ever feasted the soul, the sweetest is to see the Lamb that was slain in the midst of his Father's throne.

Excerpt from Sermon XXXII., "The Lamb in the Midst of His Father's Throne," found in Sermons by the Late Rev. Edward D. Griffin, D.D. to Which is Prefixed a Memoir of His Life by William B Sprague, D.D., Minister of the Second Presbyterian Congregation in Albany. Volume II. (New York: John S. Taylor, Brick Church Chapel, 1839), 477-478. Reprinted by Banner of Truth Trust (Edinburgh: 1987).  (HT for the text: http://books.google.com/books?id=pS0NAAAAYAAJ&printsec=frontcover#v=onepage&q&f=false.)