This past weekend I had the privilege to travel to the Twin Cities' area to attend the Desiring God seminar, "A Hunger for God: Desiring God through Fasting and Prayer." (Many thanks to my husband! 
) The first section of the seminar addressed the Christian's communion with God. As way of introduction, Dr. Piper read excerpts from the lives of John G. Paton and John Newton, and these words of John Newton especially grabbed me:
"But though I cannot doubt that this change, so far as it prevailed, was wrought by the Spirit and power of God, yet still I was greatly deficient in many respects. I was in some degree affected with a sense of my enormous sins; but I was little aware of the innate evils of my heart. I had no apprehension of the spirituality and extent of the law of God; the hidden life of a Christian, as it consists in communion with God by Jesus Christ; a continual dependence on him for hourly supplies of wisdom, strength, and comfort, was a mystery of which I had as yet no knowledge. I acknowledged the Lord's mercy in pardoning what was past, but depended chiefly upon my own resolution to do better for the time to come... I cannot consider myself to have been a believer, (in the full sense of the word,) till a considerable time afterwards."
Today is the 30th anniversary of my being born again (please see my post here), but I confess to you that I had a similar testimony to that of John Newton for many, many years:
little aware of the innate evils of my heart
no apprehension of the spirituality and extent of the law of God
no apprehension of the hidden life of a Christian, as it consists in communion with God by Jesus Christ
a continual dependence on him for hourly supplies of wisdom, strength, and comfort, was a mystery of which I had as yet no knowledge
Though I do consider myself to have been a believer from November 5, 1982 –– for I did see changes in my life and my outlook and my attitudes that went far beyond mere fleshly resolutions which I could have mustered up in my own sheer human willpower –– like Newton, I cannot consider myself to have been a believer, (in the full sense of the word,) till a considerable time afterwards.
I would say that considerable time afterwards first began in 2005 as I was faced with a situation in which I had to forgive someone, and I bluntly and rebelliously replied, "I don't think I can forgive you."¹ Thanks be to God, the Hound of Heaven did not leave me in that despicable state ~ but His mercy and grace pursued me ~ even there! And it was the very next day through a message from a family member, God's Holy Spirit took the Word of God and struck my heart like a hammer and brought conviction to my soul through the command to forgive one another as the Lord has forgiven you, and Jesus' words if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father in heaven forgive you. At that point, I was broken-hearted over my sin and my inherent sinfulness in a way I'd never been before – at long last I began to see my total depravity, and with that, for the very first time, I got a glimpse of how glorious and bright and wonderful the salvation that God had wrought in Christ on my behalf. Though prior to that time, I could have shown you Bible verses about God's manifold mercies and His great love, suddenly those concepts became more than notion, they jumped from being printed on the page of the Bible to being written upon my heart. God Almighty opened the eyes of my heart so I might begin to see how amazing His grace really was. Like John Newton, I finally saw myself as a wretch, but I regret to say that it took nearly 23 years of my being a Christian –– 22 plus years of singing "Amazing Grace" but not really knowing amazing grace in the heart! Deficient? Yes! I should say so! And then in 2007, as I was reading some of Jonathan Edwards' "Religious Affections" (see my post here), I quickly saw my own religious affections to be seriously lacking, or as Newton put it, yet still I was greatly deficient in many respects.
After the seminar, I did a little hunting around on the internet, and found this fuller context and background of the Newton quote given by Rev. John Cecil, who wrote a memoir of Newton's life:
Mr. N.'s history is now brought down to the time of his arrival in Ireland, in the year 1748; and the progress he had hitherto made in religion will be best related in his own words. I shall, therefore, make a longer extract than usual, because it is important to trace the operation of real religion in the heart. Speaking of the ship in which he lately sailed, he says, "There, were no persons on board to whom I could open myself with freedom, concerning the state of my soul; none from whom I could ask advice. As to books, I had a New Testament, Stanhope [translation of Thomas à Kempis] already mentioned, and a volume of Bishop Beveridge's Sermons, one of which, upon our Lord's passion, affected me much. In perusing the New Testament, I was struck with several passages, particularly that of the fig-tree, Luke xiii. the case of St. Paul, 1 Tim. i. but particularly that of the prodigal, Luke xv. I thought that had never been so nearly exemplified as by myself. And then the goodness of the father in receiving, nay, in running to meet such a son, and this intended only to illustrate the Lord's goodness to returning sinners! Such reflections gaining upon me, I continued much in prayer; I saw that the Lord had interposed so far to save me, and I hoped he would do more. Outward circumstances helped in this place to make me still more serious and earnest in crying to him, who alone could relieve me; and sometimes I thought I could be content to die even for want of food, so I might but die a believer.
"Thus far I was answered, that before we arrived in Ireland I had a satisfactory evidence, in my own mind, of the truth of the Gospel, as considered in itself, and of its exact suitableness to answer all my needs. 1 saw, that, by the way they were pointed out, God might declare, not his mercy only, but his justice also, in the pardon of sin, on account of the obedience and sufferings of Jesus Christ. My judgment, at that time, embraced the sublime doctrine of ' God manifest in the flesh, reconciling the world unto himself.' I had no idea of those systems, which allow the Saviour no higher honour than that of an upper servant, or at the most a demi-god. I stood in need of an Almighty Saviour, and such a one I found described in the New Testament. Thus far the Lord had wrought a marvellous thing; I was no longer an infidel; I heartily renounced my former profaneness, and had taken up some right notions; was seriously disposed, and sincerely touched with a sense of the undeserved mercy I had received, in being brought safe through so many dangers. I was sorry for my past misspent life, and proposed an immediate reformation. I was quite freed from the habit of swearing, which seemed to have been deeply rooted in me, as a second nature. Thus, to all appearance, I was a new man.
"But though I cannot doubt that this change, so far as it prevailed, was wrought by the Spirit and power of God, yet still I was greatly deficient in many respects. I was in some degree affected with a sense of my enormous sins; but I was little aware of the innate evils of my heart. I had no apprehension of the spirituality and extent of the law of God; the hidden life of a Christian, as it consists in communion with God by Jesus Christ; a continual dependence on him for hourly supplies of wisdom, strength, and comfort, was a mystery of which I had as yet no knowledge. I acknowledged the Lord's mercy in pardoning what was past, but depended chiefly upon my own resolution to do better for the time to come. I had no Christian friend or faithful minister to advise me, that my strength was no more than my righteousness; and though I soon began to inquire for serious books, yet, not having spiritual discernment, I frequently made a wrong choice; and I was not brought in the way of evangelical preaching or conversation, (except the few times when I heard but understood not,) for six years after this period. Those things the Lord was pleased to discover to me gradually. I learnt them here a little, and there a little, by my own painful experience, at a distance from the common means and ordinances, and in the midst of the same course of evil company, and bad examples, I had been conversant with for some time.
"From this period I could no more make a mock of sin, or jest with holy things; I no more questioned the truth of Scripture, or lost a sense of the rebukes of conscience. Therefore I consider this as the beginning of my return to God, or rather of his return to me; but I cannot consider myself to have been a believer, (in the full sense of the word,) till a considerable time afterwards."
~ Source: "The Works of John Newton to which are Prefixed Memoirs on His life by the Rev. John Cecil, Complete in Two Volumes (Philadelphia: Uriah Hunt, 1839)," 23-24.
And in Newton's "Works, Volume I," I found this wonderful letter Newton had written in which he conveys his experience of growth in communion with God and expresses his passionate desire and hunger and thirst for deeper and fuller and richer communion with God:
LETTER X.
My Dear Miss M ,—, –– I thank you for your last; and I rejoice in the Lord's goodness to you. To be drawn by love, exempted from those distressing terrors and temptations which some are beset with; to be favoured with the ordinances and means of grace, and connected with those, and with those only, who are disposed and qualified to assist and encourage you in seeking the Saviour; these are peculiar privileges, which all concur in your case; he loves you, he deals gently with you, he provides well for you, and accompanies every outward privilege with his special blessing; and I trust he will lead you on from strength to strength, and show you still greater things than you have yet seen. They whom he teaches are always increasing in knowledge, both of themselves and of him. The heart is deep, and like Ezekiel's vision, presents so many chambers of imagery, one within another, that it requires time to get a considerable acquaintance with it, and we shall never know it thoroughly. It is now more than twenty-eight years since the Lord began to open mine to my own view; and from that time to this, almost every day has discovered to me, something which till then was unobserved; and the farther I go, the more I seem convinced that I have entered but a little way. A person that travels in some parts of Derbyshire may easily be satisfied that the country is cavernous; but how large, how deep, how numerous, the caverns may be, which are hidden from us by the surface of the ground, and what is contained in them, are questions which our nicest inquiries cannot fully answer.
Thus I judge of my heart, that it is very deep and dark, and full of evil; but as to particulars, I know not one of a thousand. And if our own hearts are beyond our comprehension, how much more incomprehensible is the heart of Jesus! If sin abounds in us, grace and love superabound in him; his ways and thoughts are higher than ours, as the heavens are higher than the earth; his love has a height, and depth, and length, and breadth, that passeth all knowledge; and his riches of grace are unsearchable riches, Eph. iii. 8. 18, 19. All that we have received or can receive from him, or know of him in this life, compared with what he is in himself, or what he has done for us, is but as the drop of a bucket compared with the ocean, or a single ray of light in respect of the sun. The waters of the sanctuary flow to us at first almost upon a level, ankle deep, so graciously does the Lord condescend to our weakness: but they rise as we advance, and constrain us to cry out with the apostle, O the depth! We find before us, as Dr. Watts beautifully expresses it,
A sea of love and grace unknown
Without a bottom or a shore.
O the excellency of the knowledge of Christ. It will be growing upon us through time, yea, I believe through eternity. What an astonishing and what a cheering thought that this high and lofty One should unite himself to our nature, that so, in a way worthy of his adorable perfections, he might by his Spirit, unite us to himself! Could such a thought have arisen in our hearts, without the warrant of his word (but it is a thought which no created mind was capable of conceiving till he revealed it,) it would have been presumption and blasphemy; but now he has made it known, it is the foundation of our hope, and an exhaustible spring of life and joy. Well may we say, Lord, what is man that thou shouldst thus visit him!—I am, &c.
~ Source: "The Works of John Newton to which are Prefixed Memoirs on His life by the Rev. John Cecil, Complete in Two Volumes (Philadelphia: Uriah Hunt, 1839)," 269.
"All that we have received or can receive from him, or know of him in this life, compared with what he is in himself, or what he has done for us, is but as the drop of a bucket compared with the ocean, or a single ray of light in respect of the sun. The waters of the sanctuary flow to us at first almost upon a level, ankle deep, so graciously does the Lord condescend to our weakness: but they rise as we advance, and constrain us to cry out with the apostle, O the depth!"
Well may I say, Lord, what is Karen that Thou shouldst visit her! ... and visit her! ... and visit her!
O the depth!
Chamber to chamber!
Glimpse to glimpse!
Drop upon drop!
Drink upon drink!
Grace upon grace!
Glory to glory!
Strength to strength!
O the depth!
"They whom he teaches are always increasing in knowledge, both of themselves and of him. The heart is deep, and like Ezekiel's vision, presents so many chambers of imagery, one within another, that it requires time to get a considerable acquaintance with it, and we shall never know it thoroughly.
"It is now [thirty] years since the Lord began to open mine to my own view; and from that time to this, almost every day has discovered to me, something which till then was unobserved; and the farther I go, the more I seem convinced that I have entered but a little way."
Psalm 65
4 Blessed is the one you choose and bring near,
to dwell in your courts!
We shall be satisfied with the goodness of your house,
the holiness of your temple!
Ezekiel 47
1 Then he brought me back to the door of the temple, and behold, water was issuing from below the threshold of the temple toward the east (for the temple faced east). The water was flowing down from below the south end of the threshold of the temple, south of the altar. 2 Then he brought me out by way of the north gate and led me around on the outside to the outer gate that faces toward the east; and behold, the water was trickling out on the south side.
3 Going on eastward with a measuring line in his hand, the man measured a thousand cubits, and then led me through the water, and it was ankle-deep. 4 Again he measured a thousand, and led me through the water, and it was knee-deep. Again he measured a thousand, and led me through the water, and it was waist-deep. 5 Again he measured a thousand, and it was a river that I could not pass through, for the water had risen. It was deep enough to swim in, a river that could not be passed through. 6 And he said to me, “Son of man, have you seen this?”
Then he led me back to the bank of the river. 7 As I went back, I saw on the bank of the river very many trees on the one side and on the other. 8 And he said to me, “This water flows toward the eastern region and goes down into the Arabah, and enters the sea; when the water flows into the sea, the water will become fresh. 9 And wherever the river goes, every living creature that swarms will live, and there will be very many fish. For this water goes there, that the waters of the sea may become fresh; so everything will live where the river goes. 10 Fishermen will stand beside the sea. From Engedi to Eneglaim it will be a place for the spreading of nets. Its fish will be of very many kinds, like the fish of the Great Sea. 11 But its swamps and marshes will not become fresh; they are to be left for salt. 12 And on the banks, on both sides of the river, there will grow all kinds of trees for food. Their leaves will not wither, nor their fruit fail, but they will bear fresh fruit every month, because the water for them flows from the sanctuary. Their fruit will be for food, and their leaves for healing.”
* * *
CHRISTIAN, HAVE YOU SEEN THIS?
* * *
Ephesians 1
15 For this reason, because I have heard of your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love toward all the saints, 16 I do not cease to give thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers, 17 that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give you a spirit of wisdom and of revelation in the knowledge of him, 18 having the eyes of your hearts enlightened, that you may know what is the hope to which he has called you, what are the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, 19 and what is the immeasurable greatness of his power toward us who believe, according to the working of his great might 20 that he worked in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly places, 21 far above all rule and authority and power and dominion, and above every name that is named, not only in this age but also in the one to come. 22 And he put all things under his feet and gave him as head over all things to the church, 23 which is his body, the fullness of him who fills all in all.
Ephesians 3
14 For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, 15 from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, 16 that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, 18 may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, 19 and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.
20 Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, 21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.
¹ Please see these posts on past hurts, bitterness & forgiving others:
Kingdom-Obsessed People don't keep looking in the rear view mirror at past hurts, # 5
Do you love the saints . . . ALL the saints? (reflections on church hurts)
resting in the love of God & pressing on in friendships (letter 46 on assurance & joy)
For PDF slides of the seminar (and soon to be posted audio & video), please visit: http://www.desiringgod.org/blog/posts/seminar-notes-on-a-hunger-for-god--2.
Related posts:
God works through bad economies for good: A retrospective (includes my testimony)
keeping the passover (celebrating my second birth)
All of Your grace, All to Your glory (this day in 1982)
no glory to me, o my Savior ~ only because You chose to favor | a spiritual birthday celebration
The Glory of God in Sovereign Electing Grace
Mistakes about Religion & What Religion Is ~ Henry Scougal
Herein is love ... Vast as the ocean ~ And let him that is athirst come!
The Father's Inheritance (Eleven days' journey ~ A lamentation & an exhortation)
birthday reflection: "the great & glorious possibilities" ~ "Now therefore, give me this mountain"
Naphtali Revisited ~ Advent # 5 WHY HAS JESUS COME? So we might draw near to God | Even a Vapor
The Christian should not just believe the truth, and know it..." | the Father's assurance
Barabbas we save, Jesus Christ we slay (the mockery of profession ~ decisional regeneration)
Linger, linger, linger – so you might know God's love
Naphtali News: God speaking to me about my failures & the one thing needful
Why not pray for the baptism of the Holy Spirit?
Thank you, Lord Jesus, for . . . (Letter 30 on assurance & fighting for joy)
Links to my posts on true and false religion and legalism
Reference: The Works of John Newton to which are Prefixed Memoirs on His life by the Rev. John Cecil, Complete in Two Volumes (1839) found at <http://books.google.com/books?id=uHZWgFhIC9YC&printsec=frontcover#v=onepage&q&f=false>
Photo credits:
Work found at http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:John_Newton.jpg / {{PD-1923}}
Work found at http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Giant%27s_Cave_-_geograph.org.uk_-_188076.jpg / CC BY-SA 2.0. Attribution: Dave Dunford. The caption to the photo reads as follows: "I believe this is Giant's Cave... it lies just east of the cavers' parking area at Peakshill, just north of the wall. A small stream issues from the cave entrance (which was being used by sheep to shelter from the hot sun the day I visited)."
"Elizabeth, wading, Bay St. Louis" by Alexander Allison, Summer 1921 found at http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:BayStLouisWading1921.jpg / {{PD-1923}}
Scripture quotations are taken from The Holy Bible, English Standard Version. Copyright ©2001 by Crossway Bibles, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved.
My husband and I were married in my home state of Pennsylvania 30 years ago in December of 1982, but a couple weeks later, we had a repeat ceremony in Wisconsin (his home state, and where we first met at graduate school, and where we still live ~ see here for more on how we met). So, as I sometimes put it, we had two weddings: his and mine. 
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