September 24, 2010

• wives, your husband is not your Husband | letter 77 on assurance & joy

  In my last post, Don't Waste Your Singleness | Single one ... be single-eyed, I warned singles against seeking after a boyfriend/girlfriend or spouse and neglecting/disregarding/not treasuring their relationship with the LORD. I know some (many) people balked at that.
  
  A couple clarifications before I move on:
  
  

  Marriage is a gift from God, and it's true that most of us will be called to marriage . . . in God's way and God's time . . .

  God's intent for us, whether we are single, married, divorced or widowed is to be fully satisfied in Him alone. No earthly relationship can ever supersede our relationship with the LORD.

  
  So now, today, being an equal-opportunity, undiscriminating blogger and exhorter, having hit the singles in my last post, I'd like to hit the married women (also with an eye to those single women who are looking to be married or who are currently in a relationship). That said, I do think men who are married or who hope to be married one day will also benefit from reading this. I also want to make it clear that I'm writing this for those who are already Christians...

  
  wives, your husband is not your Husband

  Yes, our spouses are gifts of God to us. But just that: gifts of God. Gifts must never be elevated above the Giver. Gifts are never to be given the place that rightly belongs to God and God alone.

  Too often we elevate God's gifts over God Himself. In that case they become idols. This doesn't only include our physical possessions but also our relationships, including our spouses and our children.

  Anytime we expect anyone or anything to fulfill all our needs, we're not only setting ourselves up for disappointment, we're not only setting the other person up for failure, but – and most grievously to God – we're also setting up idols to supplant the LORD's rightful place in our lives.

  The LORD God has nothing good to say about idols at all. I challenge you to search the Scriptures on that.

  God wants to be our all in all.

  If God is not our all in all . . .

  • We're breaking the first commandment:

  
  I am the LORD your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery. You shall have no other gods before me (Exodus 20:1-3).

  • We're breaking what Jesus called the greatest commandment:

  You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind (Matthew 22:37).

  • We're breaking the Lord's heart . . .

  
  I have been broken over their whoring heart that has departed from me and over their eyes that go whoring after their idols (Ezekiel 6:9b).

  If you're worshiping your spouse, how can you be giving God the whole-hearted worship due His Name?

  If you're loving your spouse more than God, how can you love God with all your heart, all your soul and all your mind?

  If you're not guarding your heart, if you're not vigilant to break down that idol of your spouse as soon as you begin to build it, then you're breaking the heart of God.

  I don't write too often about my marriage because I considered it sacred territory, but there's an incident I would share from several years ago, the day God began to rebuke me about my making my husband an idol.

  One night sometime during the second year of our marriage, my husband and I had had some sort of disagreement. I honestly can't remember the particulars of what that argument was about (isn't that typical?), but I do remember what happened after that.

  I pouted.

  I left the bedroom.

  I went (stomped) downstairs.

  I cried.

  I was desperate.

  This marriage thing wasn't working out as I expected.

  I took my King James Bible and opened it.

  

  God was gracious as the page opened to Isaiah 54 and I began to read:

  1  Sing, O barren, thou that didst not bear; break forth into singing, and cry aloud, thou that didst not travail with child: for more are the children of the desolate than the children of the married wife, saith the LORD. 2  Enlarge the place of thy tent, and let them stretch forth the curtains of thine habitations: spare not, lengthen thy cords, and strengthen thy stakes; 3  For thou shalt break forth on the right hand and on the left; and thy seed shall inherit the Gentiles, and make the desolate cities to be inhabited. 4  Fear not; for thou shalt not be ashamed: neither be thou confounded; for thou shalt not be put to shame: for thou shalt forget the shame of thy youth, and shalt not remember the reproach of thy widowhood any more. 5  For thy Maker is thine husband; the LORD of hosts is his name; and thy Redeemer the Holy One of Israel; The God of the whole earth shall he be called.
  
  I was floored by that.

  I started crying.

  Did you catch that in verse 5?

  For thy Maker is thine husband; the LORD of hosts is his name; and thy Redeemer the Holy One of Israel; The God of the whole earth shall he be called.

  Yes, we've got all those glorious titles of God in that verse: Maker, LORD of hosts, Redeemer, Holy One of Israel, God of the whole earth (each worth several blogs to begin to unpack each one), but of course you know which title the Holy Spirit began to write on my heart that day:

  For thy Maker is thine husband

  Our husbands are not God.
  God is God.
  God is our Husband (capital "H").
  Our husbands are a gift from our Husband.
  Our husbands (lower case "H") are never to be enjoyed more than our Husband (capital "H").

  I was making my husband God.
  God alone is to be my Husband.
  My husband is to be seen as a gift to me from my Husband and never worshiped or idolized or put in the place of God.

  Thank You, blessed and truth-telling Holy Spirit, for speaking to me that day. Thank You, longsuffering God for continuing to persevere with me and teach me for I know I am often hard-hearted and stubborn like the mule. Thank You, God, for Your Word, which is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart.

  (Once more I will take the opportunity to remind you that if you are a Christian, you cannot live the Christian life apart from time in the Word of God and the Spirit of God. And that means more than just opening it up in crisis as I did then (though I was also reading regularly at that time as well). We show we are Christ's disciples as we abide in His Word and let His Words abide in us. Therefore get into the Word! Take up and read! Your life in Christ, your marriage and your witness in the world depends on it! Please check out the links I've included at the end of this post.)

  Wives, each one of us must always beware of making our husbands idols. I am praying all of you would never put your husband in the place of your Husband, your Maker, as I must also continue to pray this for myself. (And I am also praying the same thing for those of you who are not yet married for the day you may marry, that you would see your spouse as a gift from God and never seek to enjoy your spouse more than God Himself but be fully satisfied and delight in Him.)

  Though some do receive the gift of singleness, marriage is also a gift from God. God has said it is not good for man to be alone. so most of us will end up marrying. . .

  HOWEVER . . .

  we can't ever elevate our earthly marriages over our marriage to and our communion with the heavenly Bridegroom, the Lord Jesus Christ.

  Jesus Christ is to be our first Love for all our lives. Period. Not only when we're single. But always and forever. He is our Husband forever and ever.

  When does Jesus Christ ever stop loving us? Consider Him! Consider God's love for us while we were yet sinners and His continued forbearance with us in our sinfulness and rebellion for Christ's sake! Look into the Word of God and soak in His love for you. See what He's done for you. Have you considered His love, grace and mercy poured out at Calvary for unworthy sinners like you? Or did you pray a prayer one day and never really examine and immerse yourself in Him and the blessings of redemption: your justification and sanctification by grace through faith to the praise of His glorious grace? How dare we not continue to remind ourselves our His great grace and amazing love for us! If you've read the Old Testament, you know that's the main reason why Israel fell into idolatry: they forgot the Lord.

  Like all God's gifts, the devil wants to twist God's gift or marriage into something it's not intended. We've seen that in many instances, but my point here is that the prowling lion wants us to begin to love the gifts of God more than the Giver, i.e.- to idolize our spouses.

  May God give each of us the grace to know with all our heart, all our soul and all our mind the LORD God Himself intimately as our Husband. May the Holy Spirit write God's love more and more deeply on our hearts so we might truly know the LORD as our portion. May we have full assurance of God as our Jehovah-Jireh, our provider. May we know the LORD as our chief joy. And may we continue to seek to know God more and more and His love for us more and more. May we come to see His all-surpassing worth so He might become increasingly precious and dear to us, that pearl of great price, that magnificent obsession, the One whom we follow hard after!

  If you've been reading my blog for a while, you know I've been writing a lot on assurance and fighting for joy. I would say that being assured of God's love and being able to enjoy and be satisfied in the LORD in the context of our marriage relationship is a very practical, wonderful and necessary outworking of the gift of assurance God gives us.

  More particularly, if we're inwardly assured of the love of God in our lives, we won't be overly possessive our husbands, we won't be clinging to them, we won't be nagging at them, we won't complaining and whining about them and expecting them to fulfill all our needs for we will be able to rest securely in the absolute certainly of God's love for us. We can be sure that God's covenant mercies in Christ will never fail us and the LORD will be sufficient for us no matter what. We can have joy and peace in believing. We can be confident that God is the same yesterday, today and forever and in Him is no shadow of turning. We need not fear anything that is frightening for we can entrust ourselves to God's perfect provision and care for us.

  Have you ever asked God to give you the sweet gift of assurance of His love for you in Jesus Christ? Have you asked God to increase your love even more for Him? Ought there ever be a time we stop praying for God to do these things? Is His love for us infinite? Does our love for Him and our understanding and experience of His love not pale in comparison?

  Have you ever prayed these sublime words for yourself?

  Ephesians 3:14  For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, 15  from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, 16  that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17  so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, 18  may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, 19  and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.

  That's the prayer our friend Lonnie (Such_Were_You) called "the bestest prayer." I loved it when Lonnie referred to Paul's words like that, and I totally agree with that! I've mentioned previously I often pray these things for myself and for my brothers and sisters in Christ. God is infinite and so His love, mercy and grace for us know no bounds. As we grow in our experience of God and His love for us in Christ, we can be confident, vibrant, steadfast and joyful Christians, and, as a result, we will give Him the first place He alone deserves since we won't be needing to seek love and assurance in other places. No, I'm not saying we won't stumble and trip up, but as we become more and more rooted in and assured of the love of God for us in Jesus Christ, we won't need to be clinging to others, we won't be needing to be to relying on their love, assurance, approval and confirmation. God's love will be more than enough for us, better than life!

  Does your soul pant for the LORD and His courts?

  How does your love for God compare to the love of the bride in the Song of Solomon? I'd encourage you to read through the book. It's a picture of God's love for us and the love we ought to have for our Savior.

  Consider what happens if your spouse is gone and you need a shoulder to cry on? What happens if your spouse has a work commitment he must keep? What happens when you've had a fight? What happens when you disagree over how to discipline the children or what church to attend or ...? What happens if your spouse gets sick? What happens if your spouse becomes disabled? What happens if your spouse doesn't follow through with a promise? What happens if your spouse might end up cheating on you? What happens if your spouse dies before you?

  Who's going to be there for you during those times?

  The LORD alone. Your Husband (capital "H").

  Know this – after you marry, as time goes on, you both won't be in the same place you were when you married, you'll both change, your circumstances will change, and you won't always be on the same wavelength all the time, as good and strong and Christ-centered your marriage might be. However, we can know and trust that through any and all circumstances, through all the changes, the LORD will never leave us and the LORD will never change, And we know that His love for us in Jesus Christ will not diminish one iota. He is faithful and true!

  Life is unpredictable, but the Lord is predictable. No matter what happens we can be assured that the LORD is good, He is loving, He is working all things for the good of those who love Him, for His glory and for the furtherance of the Gospel, that His plans will never be thwarted. Those are bedrock truths which will keep us as Christians firm and steadfast in times of shaking and uncertainty.

  We can be sure that the LORD will be enough, more than enough, for each of us. His love is never-changing, never-failing, everlasting and eternal, unbreakable and unshakable and unfailing. You can add any other adjectives you can think of! I feel I am not doing justice here to Him.

  I want to be clear here that God does use means, and therefore He does use our husbands and other people to bless us, love us, nurture us, protect us, provide for us, strengthen us, exhort us and encourage us and so forth, but let us never forget the wellspring of all those blessings is in the LORD alone. Let's be careful not to set up our husbands in a role they were not meant to fill. Let's not make ourselves idolaters or adulterers. Let's be vigilant so we remain single-eyed toward the LORD alone and enjoy the gifts He's given us, including our husbands, in a way that is honoring and glorifying to God. I've been married for over 27 years now and this is a lesson I've been learning slowly throughout the years.

  Anytime any one of us begins to say (or even whispers or thinks):

  • I wish my husband would do ______ (fill in the blank) . . .
  • I wish my husband wouldn't do ______ (fill in the blank) . . .
  • I wish my husband were more ______ (fill in the blank) . . .
  • I wish my husband were more like ______ (fill in the blank with a name) . . .

  Anytime we do that, we are idolaters. Idolaters? Yes. Idolaters. Colossians 3:5 tells us that covetousness is idolatry.

  Not only that, but as I said, we're also setting our spouses up to be something they weren't intended to be – God.

  I would even go so far to say we are being adulterers when we do that.

  Look at Jesus' description of adultery in the heart in regard to men:

  Matthew 5:27  “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ 28  But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart. 29  If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body be thrown into hell. 30  And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body go into hell.

  Aren't we as women doing a similar thing when our thoughts begin to wander in such ways as I described above? No, we may not be looking with the eye, but we're looking with our minds, and I'd say that's almost worse in many ways.

  I know we've all done it. We've played the "What If" game. We look around and see other men, and, well, you know the saying, "The grass is always greener." It may have just been for a fleeting moment. But then we may have taken that thought and began to feed it. That's when it gets dangerous and the root can begin to grow deeper and bear fruit . . . wild grapes.

  What does God say about such behavior? Once again: covetousness is idolatry.

  I think many of us have been a bit too quick to discard the ten commandments and the concept of idols and other gods because we're under grace.

  Let's remember this: We're under grace, we've been indwelt with the life of Christ so we might fulfill the commandments in the power of God's Holy Spirit. We can't turn a blind eye to the danger of idols or think we're above temptation. As the apostle Paul reminded us we must take heed, lest we will fall.

  Unless we are firmly settled and satisfied in God's provision of Himself for us, we will remain unsettled and unsatisfied in our marriages. Our husbands are not meant to fulfill all our needs. The LORD alone can do that. So long as we keep expecting our husbands to fulfill our needs, we will get more and more entangled in that snare of dissatisfaction (see Ezekiel 16 on that). idols entertain and entice us by holding up glittering promise after promise before our eyes, promises to satisfy and fulfill us, but they never do. They only leave us more and more dissatisfied and unfulfilled.

  And then we may continue to play the "What if" game. But the thing is, it's not a game. It's a very dangerous and deadly road for us to take for if we keep walking that road we are setting ourselves up for temptation and the very real possibility of being wooed away into another relationship with another man and then into full blown adultery. This all starts in our hearts. Therefore we must guard our hearts in this. The primary way we can do this is to see God as our all in all. To see God as all-satisfying. And the way we do that is to get on our knees and continue there and to remain in His Word and fellowship with other believers and plead with God to show us more of Himself so we might see Him as more beautiful and more lovely than any other thing – including our husbands. May God grant us grace upon grace to so we might enjoy Him and be satisfied in Him first and foremost and then to be able to reverence and submit to our husbands as God commands.

  God's desire is for us to rejoice in Him always and learn contentment in all circumstances and be able to say with the Psalmists with all our heart, soul and mind:

  Psalm 16:5  The LORD is my chosen portion and my cup;
  you hold my lot.
  6  The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
  indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance.
  7  I bless the LORD who gives me counsel;
  in the night also my heart instructs me.
  8  I have set the LORD always before me;
  because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken.
  9  Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices;
  my flesh also dwells secure.
  10  For you will not abandon my soul to Sheol,
  or let your holy one see corruption.
  11  You make known to me the path of life;
  in your presence there is fullness of joy;
  at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.

  Psalm 73:25  Whom have I in heaven but you?
  And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you.
  26  My flesh and my heart may fail,
  but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

  Can you speak those words with full assurance of faith? If not, will you ask the Lord to grow your assurance of His love for you? He wants you to know Him and His love for you in greater measure so you might rightly enjoy His gifts to you.
  
  As the Holy Spirit continues to grant us grace to truly enjoy the LORD as our portion, to see His love as better than life, to bask in His love, mercy and grace given us in Christ, to understand the breadth and length and depth and height of His love for us in Christ, that's the only sure way we can remain steady and secure in Him and in our marriages. When we are steady and secure in Him, we won't be seeking pleasure, fulfillment, acceptance or approval from anyone else. When we're assured of God's love, all our other relationships (not just our marriages) will begin to fall into place. We won't put undue burdens on our spouses or anyone else to please us, fulfill us, accept us or approve of us. We won't be attention whores. We will begin to see that the universe does not revolve around us but God, and we will be much less whiny and much more happy as a result.

  As we trust in Jesus Christ by grace through faith, may not grieve, quench or limit His Spirit. May we continue to spend time with the Lord and His people and in His Word. May we open ourselves to being filled and baptized with His Spirit, may His grace and peace be multiplied to us so we might grow in the assurance of His love for us and come to experience in greater measure the reality that we have been accepted in the Beloved and Jesus Christ is not ashamed of us. O, that we might know what a blessing it is to have had our sins forgiven through the blood of Christ and what a privilege it is that we can enter into the veil, the Most Holy Place, and sit in communion with our Lord at His feet and enjoy Him at all times as our perfect portion, to know fullness of joy and pleasures forevermore! And as we do so, we will come to embrace that our LORD has always been and will always be sovereign over each and ever day, each and every situation, every trial and tribulation, every marriage struggle, every stress and strain so we will be able to be more than conquerors, no longer possessed by the past, perplexed in the present nor frightened about the future.

  By His grace, God has helped me to know in greater measure His love for me in Jesus Christ and to rest more and more in Him as my portion. (No, I don't do this perfectly all the time; I am pressing on to know Him and His joy more and more.) I am longing for you to know Christ's love more and more. I know what's it like to live under a cloud of guilt, condemnation and gloominess, and I know it's miserable. I am praying for you to know Christ's forgiveness, freedom and joy so you might be able to know and enjoy Him and the abundant life He died to give you.

  I think many Christians tend to disregard and pooh-pooh the Old Testament warnings about idols. I hope and pray you are not one of those and God might use my words to help you to be on guard.

  Notice however, that John ends his first epistle with this warning:

  I John 5:21  Little children, keep yourselves from idols.

  And here's the context:

  20  And we know that the Son of God has come and has given us understanding, so that we may know him who is true; and we are in him who is true, in his Son Jesus Christ. He is the true God and eternal life. 21  Little children, keep yourselves from idols.

  We not only know about God but we know Him. And we know God is true and we know God is not a liar. We know He has given us life in Jesus Christ. And we know there is no true and eternal life apart from Him. So then if there's no true and no eternal life apart from God, it's true that we have no real need for idols, and yet here's John fully aware that we will be tempted to idolatry, therefore he leaves us with these words of warning:

  Little children, keep yourselves from idols.

  May we take heed lest we fall.
  
  May our Maker, the only true God and the source of our life, fill us with His truth and His life through His Holy Spirit so we might remain on guard and keep ourselves from idols and their deceitful lies and vain promises, so we might increasingly enjoy our earthly husbands as God's gifts to us and increasingly enjoy our heavenly Husband more and more to His praise, honor and glory.

  I've previously posted Caedmon's Call's "You Created," but I think the chorus wonderfully summarizes what I've been saying here.

  "You Created"
  (Joshua Moore)

  CHORUS
  But You created nothing
  That gives me more pleasure than You
  And You won't give me something
  That gives me more pleasure than You

  ---

  Related:

  • my notes on Tim Keller's talk on idols @ The Gospel Coalition Conference
  • Finding pleasure in Him
  • on our anniversary
  • Letter 25 on assurance and fighting for joy (a strong craving ≠ His joy)
  • Naphtali News: Songs about "What *I* Want," part 5: If the Curly Fry Doesn't "Satisfy," What Does?
  • a valentine from the broken-hearted Bridegroom
  • the children of God will never say of Him: "Got stood up big time!"
  • He's not dropping us! (Isaiah 46:3-4)
  • when we're being shaken: let us look unto JESUS!
  • What Is Christian Contentment?
  • Letter 16 on assurance and fighting for joy (our prayers, His wise denials and joy)
  • some reflections about prayer
  • Do My Prayers Glorify God?
  • update w/ excerpt: Lloyd-Jones' sermons on the role of experience in Christianity
  • Letter 18 on assurance and fighting for joy (my testimony of joy)
  • letter 42 on assurance & fighting for joy: "Blessed Assurance" - You are a child of God!
  • "give me also springs of water" - Will you be an Achsah? (letter 66 on assurance & fighting for joy)
  • Letter 7 on assurance and fighting for joy (remember His love for us while we were sinners)
  • Keep me away from the paths of the destroyer that I might behold Your face. (Psalm 17)
  • Joseph and temptation: How he kept from falling

  on the Word of God:

  • Considering Jesus: (1) Making time to consider Jesus
  • Considering Jesus: (2) Why do we do quiet time anyhow?
  • take to heart ALL the words (more on quiet time)
  • Get gnawing, put your nose down in the Book to feed the white-hot flame of God's gift
  • my ministry & your attitude toward the Word of God
  • dedication 2010 (reflections on God's Word & God's grace)

  Scripture quotations unless otherwise indicated are taken from The Holy Bible, English Standard Version. Copyright ©2001 by Crossway Bibles, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

  "You Created" by Joshua Moore, ©2003 Joshmooreownsthis Music. Lyrics are subject to US Copyright Laws and are the property of their respective authors, artists and labels. Commercial use prohibited.

  • 8:13 PM
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