November 23, 2009

• Thank you, Lord Jesus, for . . . (Letter 30 on assurance & fighting for joy)

  Dear Lord Jesus,
  
  

  You tell us to give thanks in all things for this is Your will concerning us...concerning me...
  

  
  

  

  
  

  I've confess I've been finding it difficult to give thanks as of late – the letters are looking more like this:
  

  
  

  
  

  
  I'm pressing on right now to give thanks... No, I'm not only pressing on to give thanks – I'm pressing on just to run the race set before me. You know I've tottered dangerously on the edge of becoming disillusioned, disenchanted, distraught and dreamless ... ready to chuck it all ... I'm feeling sort of like Jeremiah ...

  My limited human vision makes things look foggy right now – but I know that is not the truth: the fog is lifting on us, on Your Church.

  My flesh is lusting against Your Spirit, and Your Spirit against the flesh.
  
  The devil is causing me to lose my vision, to doubt, to shrink back in fear. Anytime You give clarity, Satan starts throwing eggs on the window – he wants to smudge it all up.
  
  While walking yesterday, I saw a deer lying dead in a pickup truck (the hunter obviously won that battle!). I thought, "That's how I feel. I'm not running, I'm not the deer set free...The prowling lion seems to be winning today...I feel like lion fodder..."

  
  "Serengeti Lion 2"
  Schuyler Shepherd / CC BY SA 2.5
  

  
  How can I press on today, much less for the long haul? I'm weak, I'm growing weary, I'm fainting...

  Satan, the liar, the father of lies, the accuser, the deceiver, the wolf in sheep's clothing, the prowling lion – he's trying to snuff out my joy.

  I am tired of this! I am tired of the devil bullying me (and bullying Your Church)! I am not rolling over dead. I am going to fight to go behind the veil, to seek Your face, to enter into Your sanctuary..as hard as I must...I cannot live apart from You, dear Lord.

  There's no true vision apart from You. O Lord, I am panting for You!

  There's no true life apart from You. O Lord. I am panting for You!

  There's no true joy apart from You. O Lord, I am panting for You!

  Pick me up and carry me on Your shoulders, Good Shepherd. Hear my prayer.

  Pick us up, we are Your people, Your Church, ransomed with Your blood, and carry us on Your shoulders, Good Shepherd. Hear my prayer.
  
  Giving thanks is the tonic I need to get me back to You, to Your sanctuary ... away from me, away from my self-absorption, away from the cares of this world, away from my anxious thoughts, away from the wiles of the devil, away, away, away ... Let me look away to Jesus! There is no other who has the words of Life. No, there is no other who is Life. You are my Life! Whom have I but You! I am panting for You! Help me to hope in You. There is no other Hope but You. No other Strength. No other Strong Tower. No other. Let me look away to You, Lord Jesus! Take me to Your bosom!

  To get my eyes off myself (in me dwells no good thing).

  To get my eyes off these circumstances (circumstances are fleeting, You are the same yesterday, today and forever).
  
  To stop being anxious but to wait on You so I might renew my strength (I have no strength apart from You).
  
  To come to Your right hand where I may find fullness of joy (there is no true joy apart from You).
  
  To come to Your side where I will find pleasures forevermore (there are no true and lasting pleasures apart from You).

  To take up Your yoke where I will find rest for my soul (there is no true rest or freedom when I resist or break Your yoke).

  To drink the living water (there is only stagnant water apart from You).

  To eat the true bread from heaven (any and all earthly bread is unsatisfying, false bread).
  
  To taste again the fruit of the promised land (the fruit of the old man is bitterness of soul, leading to death).
  
  
  A good sister in Christ once gave me a magnet which said:
  
  

  Faith makes things possible, not easy.

  I like easy. I want the easy button. I want the "Go directly to GO and Collect $ 200" card. I get frustrated. It's easy for me to read the stories in the Bible, and forget the years of agony, of waiting, of pain, of hardship, of endurance. We turn a page and poof! Abraham and Sarah have their child: except it was years, not a matter of minutes. Following You is not always easy, but it is always possible because Your Spirit works in us to will and to do of Your good pleasure. But along the way that doesn't mean we won't meet up with delays, denials, doubts, weakness, struggles, dissension, giants, armies, Red Seas, mountains, the prowling lion, the accuser, our own sin nature, the lusts of the flesh, emotional upheavals, discouraging words, past failures taunting us, temptations to build with wood, hay and stubble, to settle for earthly treasure rather than the pearl of great price, to stop running the race, to give up, to seek comfort rather than seeking You and Your Kingdom.
  
  Thanks be to God You are a great High Priest who can understand all those temptations, You were fully God become flesh. You came to earth in the form of a man, You withstood every temptation and yet You were without sin. You can have compassion on me. O, Jesus, I need You to intercede for me. I need Your Spirit to strengthen me. I can't run this race without You. I can do nothing apart from You. I am trusting Your grace to be sufficient for me. The dreams have been so real. The joy has been real. The new life You have given me is a reality. But right now I'm all but stumbling, stammering and slipping, I've been ready to stop running the race set before me. Pick me up and put me on the path. I can't get there myself. Straighten out my vision so my eyes are fixed on You again. Keep me wholeheartedly worshiping and following You, Lord. That is my one desire. I love You. I know my love for You is small. So small. Forgive me. But I do love You. I do have that mustard seed of faith. You deserve all of me, nothing less. You gave me all of You. I am not my own. You bought me with Your precious blood. Help me to render myself completely to You. So long as I hold on to any of me, I cannot experience the fullness of joy and the pleasures forevermore. How utterly ridiculous of me to keep my life only to lose it! To forfeit the joy unspeakable – to turn away from You – O, Lord, that is unthinkable and unfathomable now that I have known You and Your joy! Forgive me for being foolish and brutish, my Lord and my God.
  
  By Your grace, I'm moving on now to reflect on the past year and give thanks to You...What better thing can I do? What else can I do? When I put my eyes back on You and on the work You have done in my life rather than the mountains that lie ahead of me, I can remain steadfast, immovable and always abounding in the work You have for me. I can have confidence You will complete what You've begun.  I begin to remember once again that You are the God who performs what He has promised.

  Looking at the mountain ahead of me does no good. Take me to Your presence, speak to me face to face, be gracious to me, let me see Your glory up on the mountain. I'm coming now to Mt. Zion! You've already seated me in heavenly places. I'm entitled be there because Your Father has adopted me into Your family. You are my brother. I can go there by faith in Your blood. I need to get there again, Lord.
  
  It is good to give You thanks and praise. Let me never forget You and never forget Your benefits You purchased for me on the cross of Calvary. As You give me the words, I will now try to sing to You a few of the ways You have blessed me in the past year or so . . .

  Thank You, Lord Jesus, for . . .

  • continuing to push me out of my comfort zone . . .  waaaay out . . . even though it's been quite uncomfortable at times . . . You have been ever faithful . . . (Help me to keep trusting when I have more questions than answers!) . . .

  
  • letting me fail . . . and fail . . . and fail . . . and fail . . . and once again fail . . . for then I see I can do nothing apart from You and have no choice but to kneel down and ask You once again for Your Holy Spirit . . . and then I see Your sovereign grace superintending over all things, even bad things – including each and every failure, every challenge, every discouragement – every sinful and stupid and impetuous act of mine (no, You never condone sin!) – for my good and Your glory and the good of the Church! Except right now I'm on the edge of in the midst of a perplexing/challenging/impossible situation and it's been difficult to press on, my faith is all but gone . . . My mounting doubts are the mighty Goliaths which are looking down on me and shouting out at me, all but smashing and stomping my mustard seed of faith, and making my five stones and sling look pretty silly. They're taunting and harassing me: "You're destined to fail." "What's the use anyhow?" "Remember: this is just what happened the last time." "You're heading for another heartache." "Who are you thinking God might use you?" Lord God, I am going to affirm it here now: I need to hear Your voice. Give me ears to know Your voice and to follow Your voice. I cannot continue to let the past keep me bound up from walking in the freedom You have given me. I know You are sovereign over each and every broken heart I have experienced or will experience, including the one I am experiencing now. You brought good out of each one and I am trusting You will do it once again . . . it's a little tough for me right at the moment, however . . . I need to make Your sovereignty my sanity right now . . . I need to keep my eyes on You, the One who is invisible, so I might endure . . . Give me eyes of faith to see You. Give me a heart of faith to trust You. I know in my head that each broken heart is appointed for my good . . . it just doesn't look or feel so good right now . . . Help me to turn to You now and not resort to my own schemes and devices . . .

  

  • giving me a holy ambition I never thought of . . . Similar to Paul's words in Romans 15:20, with a twist.  The ambition You have been giving me is to go to those place where Christ is technically being named, but He's not truly being named, i.e.- those churches were Christ is no longer lifted up as He ought to be. (O, Lord, keep this holy ambition burning in my heart! May I be zealous for Your temple as You were!)
  

  • helping me to dream dreams I never thought of . . . to begin to see the glorious possibilities You have for us. To see the promises of life and intimacy written about in the Scripture are possible for us, the life You lived, the intimacy You had with Your Father is possible for us, for me, through Your indwelling Spirit. (Help me to keep dreaming and living out the dream! May I never become lukewarm! Stir me, stir Your Church, O Lord, out of our complacency, apathy and lukewarmness!)

  

  • giving me a greater appreciation of Your holiness and Your call to be holy as You are holy . . . Your glory is that You are holy and sinless and yet You came to die for sinners like me so we might be reconciled to Your Father! Let us never take our sin lightly . . . Let me never take my sin lightly! (Purify me, Holy Spirit! Let me never remain hard-hearted and unrepentant! Lead me to repentance! Help me to bear fruit worthy of repentance. Keep me always mortifying sin. May Jesus alone be my Master!) . . .

  • continuing to discipline me . . . even though it's not always been pleasant, it's always profitable . . . (Loving Father, discipline me as You deem necessary!)

  
  • convicting me when I do not use my tongue to your glory. (Forgive me, Holy Father! O, to use my tongue for Your glory always everyday!)

  

  • giving me assurance of forgiveness of sins and release from guilt as Your Spirit speaking to me that my soul was clean. I'd studied and written about and prayed over your promises of forgiveness in the Scripture but at this point last year I had none. Then one day last December, as I knelt down to confess my sin, began to become distraught and hopeless and despairing and in the blink of an eye your Spirit spoke sweet peace and assurance to my soul . . .

  • giving me joy unspeakable and full of glory . . . something I'd read about but never really thought possible for everyone . . . for me . . .

  

  • showing me how much in ruins the Church is . . . the false gospels that have come into our midst: legalism, a return to the law, moralism, social gospels, profession without the rebirth – and then showing me how much more we are in ruins, how we in the Church get caught up in battles over non-essentials . . . (Once again I'm grieving today over that.  Forgive me, Lord, for the times I've been part of the circus.) . . .

  

  • that moment in the middle of the night when the words from II Timothy 4: do the work of an evangelist jumped off the pages of "George Whitefield's Journals" and were seared onto my heart . . . (Evangelism was a small blip on the far edge of my radar screen this time last year . . . Impossible with me . . .) . . .

  

  
  • the afternoon I was discouraged, and You and I walked together at "my" park; You reminded me then that enduring afflictions goes along with doing the work of an evangelist (also from II Timothy 4) . . .

  

  • the Sunday School teacher who read I Samuel 12:23: "Moreover, as for me, far be it from me that I should sin against the LORD by ceasing to pray for you..." You used that verse to fan into flame a desire You had put into me to pray for revival... and start up tent of meeting, the prayer site for revival . . . and You have continued to increase my burden for revival and are calling others to be watchmen on the walls as well. Thank You, Lord! (Revival wasn't even on my radar screen this time last year.) . . .

  
  

  • the calling to keep praying I received from our BSF study as I read of Moses' continued intercession for Israel: "Thus I prostrated myself before the LORD; forty days and forty nights I kept prostrating myself..." . . . (God forbid that I not continue praying! My spirit is willing but my flesh is so weak, Lord Jesus, be merciful to me . . .) . . .
  
  
  • the night I looked across the field at Ignite Chicago and saw a chasing lighted red, glitzy cross and was grieved and cried out to You, "O, God, what have we done to the wonderful cross on which the King of Glory died? How can we cheapen Your glory and Your Gospel in this way?" (Let me not forget that image.) . . .

  
  

  • the days I watched my stepfather clinging to life on earth and once again I pondered the inscrutable mystery that You alone can really bring dead souls to life . . .

  • the break of morning I watched my stepfather breathe his last breath and You reminded me I escort someone into hell if I don't speak the Gospel to him when I have the opportunity to do so . . .

  • the repeated reminders of how fleeting life is: the funerals I've attended, the friends/family I've said good-bye to and with whom I've grieved. These remind me how we need to be urgent and keep singing even though we're broken. The continued sense of necessity You have given me . . . The reminder Haggai had a four month window in which he prophesied . . . that was about a month and a half ago . . . (How have I been using my time since? O, Father, don't let me waste my life!) . . .

  

  • the sermon (which was supposed to explore the Gospel but there was barely a mention of the cross, the blood and the atonement) You used to rekindle the fire in me, to remind me why I'm writing and speaking to contend for the Gospel . . .

  • the moments after that same service I sat dumbfounded as I watched hundreds of souls exit the sanctuary and wondered how many were really saved . . . how many had ever really heard the Gospel or understood it . . . how many frogs are out there croaking false gospels which all but drown out the Gospel of Jesus Christ? . . .

  
  

  "Frogs on Lily Pads"
  http://www.flickr.com/photos/joyweesemoll/ / CC BY-NC 2.0

  • the day I was asked what business was it of mine to be concerned about what happens in other churches . . . (God forbid if I ever don't make it my business; the integrity of the Gospel is all our business . . . can we say we love Christ if we don't love His Gospel enough to guard it? It grieves me to see so many of Your children do not care about these things.) . . .

  • the continuing challenge You have given me to understand my sonship, to move beyond fear and to rest in Your yoke and to live in the joy of what You are . . . (I'm still not there, Abba, but I'm moving closer . . .)

  

  
  • the many friends You have brought me here on Xanga/Revelife, friends who challenge and encourage me, friends both old and young, especially my newer younger friends including Like_A_Tigah, poetically_truthful and llamalima. (Oh, yes, right: most people here are younger than me! LOL. These "kids" are all younger than my youngest child – but there's a maturity and a passion and love for You that excites me!) All these friends keep me pressing on for the prize of the high calling. But You know I particularly have so much joy to see Your hand upon the next generation!

        

  • the faith and the vision You have given me that You may indeed bring something good out of this place – just like You came out of Nazareth – You may use us, use these twin cities of Xanga & Revelife to bring revival to many souls . . .  (O, forgive me that my faith has wavered and my vision has become dim at times; for I have surely seen Your hand at work here already – the firstfruits are beginning to be harvested now! But I'm praying for more. Be merciful and gracious to us, Lord! Rend the heavens here, rend our hearts here!) . . .

  
  • my friends who bear with my crazy babblings, who listen to me, who read my messages, e-mails and comments, and my friends who encourage, exhort and pray for me. You know it indeed does take a "village" to sustain my soul as well as to write here – all of them are co-authors with me (thank you, all of you!) . . .

  
  

  • the opportunity to write here. It's a privilege and honor and blessing to be able to write about You. Yet You alone know the frustrations I face. I know without a doubt anything that is good and praiseworthy here is all of You, Lord. (Keep my vision clear; keep me writing for You and Your glory alone, never mine – that is a constant temptation . . . Keep me writing whether I see fruit or not. Rejoice my soul as I write for You. You know I love You.) . . .

  • the Scripture, words of the saints (both past and present, including those from "George Whitefield's Journals" and Dr. Lloyd-Jones' "Revival" and "Faith on Trial: Studies in Psalm 73"), songs and hymns, the sights and sounds of nature, various events of day-to-day life: all of which You use to bring timely encouragements, lessons and rebukes to me . . .

       
  

  • continuing to hold and guard me by Your grace for any day I know I would fall away if it were not for Your blessed Spirit, Your everlasting arms underneath me and Your eagles' wings, upholding me . . . (Help me to trust You as You continue to push me out of the nest!) . . .

  

  O, Lord, You have been good,
  You have been faithful
  To all generations . . .
  To me!
  Thank You, Lord Jesus . . .
  You have been good . . .
  You are good . . .
  There is none like You, Lord.

  Psalm 116:12-19

  ¹² What shall I render to the LORD
           For all His benefits toward me?
   ¹³ I will take up the cup of salvation,
           And call upon the name of the LORD.
   ¹⁴ I will pay my vows to the LORD
           Now in the presence of all His people.
           
   ¹⁵ Precious in the sight of the LORD
           Is the death of His saints.
           
   ¹⁶ O LORD, truly I am Your servant;
           I am Your servant, the son of Your maidservant;
           You have loosed my bonds.
   ¹⁷ I will offer to You the sacrifice of thanksgiving,
           And will call upon the name of the LORD.
           
   ¹⁸ I will pay my vows to the LORD
           Now in the presence of all His people,
   ¹⁹ In the courts of the LORD’s house,
           In the midst of you, O Jerusalem.
           
           Praise the LORD!

  • 4:46 PM
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